Spam I Am

For whatever reason, today I found myself fantasizing about responding to the gobs of spam I get. It was a good way to pass the time while trying to kick a headache. These are all real subject lines from e-mail in my spam folder.

So I didn't really respond to any, but it was a good cathartic exercise just to pretend.
B.

Get a Risk-free CD to get started!
I prefer the risky CD. Thank you.

Need money for college?
Need money to buy better demographic data?

Welcome to the good life
Thank you. Good to be here.

Save 3 dollars on earth friendly cat litter
First, please hyphenate your compound modifier. Second, I find it hard to be concerned about the earth when it comes to cat litter. I’m more concerned about my gag reflex and the ghastly smell. I promise to recycle, buy the right light bulbs, and compost, but I like my cat poop buried in chemical compounds toxic enough to make me forget that animals eliminate in my house several times a day.

I found you a new job
That was so sweet of you.

Hello
Howdy.

Best-value packages for satellite TV
No thank you. I’m trying to avoid the whole mind-as -“savage torpor”-thing, as Wordsworth or Blake or Coleridge said. I’d probably remember which one if I hadn’t watched so much TV in college.

Get a free child safety ID kit from Gerber
Here’s a free marketing tip: Sending an e-mail that has “free child” anywhere in the subject line to a tired middle-aged mom will land you in the spam folder quicker than you can say “mini-van.”

Make your saxual dreams come true
It is so freakishly bizarre that you know about my tryst-with-a-bad-speller fantasy.

YOU HVE WON!
I HV???

Dual Cop Coffeemaker for Two Never Tasted So Good
We’re supposed to taste the coffeemaker??

COMPLIMENTS!!!
REGARDS!!